You might be a WHEN-ESOTAN if....

Post date: Jan 18, 2019 2:53:17 PM

While I was sleeping the other night, I had a dream about Jeff Foxworthy’s “You might be a redneck” bit. Analyze that all you want. I’ve already publicly admitted to dreaming about Brett Favre so I have no shame at this point.

Anyway, when I woke up, the thought of WHEN-ESOTA? and Jeff Foxworthy started melding together in my head and I started thinking: What is a WHEN-ESOTAN? What defines us?

There are people out there who have trouble laughing at the folly and don’t get the bit. Trust me, I’ve gotten a few tweets and messages about it. Some people prefer not to hear anything remotely negative. And that’s okay…that’s their thing. Everyone deals with grief differently.

But WHEN-ESOTAN’s are different. We struggle with the “maybe next year mentality” because we’ve heard it too many times. We bleed purple, but that purging manifests itself as sarcasm and laughter rather than anger. (Speaking of anger, here’s a link to the video from that Bears fan after Cody Parkey’s missed kick. Caution NSFW https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eE1qrnC1-eQ?

So with all credit due to Jeff Foxworthy, and pleading 100% guilty to riffing on his bit….here are some things to help you decide if you are a WHEN-ESOTAN or not. (as with the Disappointment Calendar this is a work in progress and I will add more as I think of them or others send them in. Contributors will be credited.)

You could be a WHEN-ESOTAN if any of the following apply to you….

If you still wear a North Stars Jersey.

When you think of Joe Mauer, your bi-lateral Leg weakness flares up.

When you drive to the Mall of America, do you envision the Met Center and see where it once stood?

Do you bundle up for the Twins home opener in the snow, but are fairly confident you won’t need to in October regardless of weather?

Does hearing the phrase, “The Twins Way” make you want to chew on broken glass?

When you see someone paying for things with change, does it make you think of the Pohlads?

Do you remember the Lakers, Kicks, or the Strikers? How about the Muskies or the Pipers?

Are you a Timberwolves fan and ever thought to yourself…why? (This literally happened to me last Tuesday night after Philadelphia fail 2019 edition)

Do you believe that Gopher football will SOON regain their pre-60’s glory and return to the National Championship? Well…..You might NOT be a WHENESOTAN. You should stop reading and head to @Gopherhole.

I say Ganglehoff, you say______________ . (If you answered ANYTHING here, you could be a WHENESOTAN.)

If you were alive for the Vikings last Superbowl.

If you ever attended a game at the old Met stadium.

If you think Norm Green STILL sucks.

If you think the NBA lottery is rigged.

If you’ve ever heard or can even pronounce the name Ndudi Ebi

If you still hate Christian Laettner.

If the term “contraction” makes you think of the Twins and not English class.

If you can count to 11.

If you have ever knelt in a church and you cursed Denny Green at the same time.

Speaking of church, if a priest has ever told you to say a Hail Mary and you instinctively shouted, Where's the flag?

If you think Joe Buck has a massive man crush on Aaron Rodgers and/or the Packers

If you think the Big 10 Hockey conference was a terrible decision.

If you thought listening to David Kahn talk was like nails on a chalkboard.

If you know what a Whizzinator is.

If you laughed at the old KQ morning crew bits with Herschel Walker, Darrin Nelson and Coach Uncle Burnsey

If you’ve ever done a ‘big balls’ dance at a wedding reception.

When you hear the name ‘Famous Amos’, you think of a photographer, rather than cookies.

If you’ve ever been late to work and then used the excuse that your pipes burst….again.

If you’ve ever told your boss “I work when I want to work.”

If you’ve heard the term “Draft Trade Value Chart”

If you were ever worried that when they turned the lights on at the Dome, Tommy Kramer might leave because he might think it was closing time. (Thanks TSCF)

If you think Tinucci’s restaurant is a Minnesota treasure.

If you’ve EVER used the phrase “Straight Cash Homey”.

If you’ve ever ridden a camel into your own birthday party.

If you’ve ever done a “puck lift” while hanging out at your neighborhood ice rink.

If you ever referred to the Metrodome as ‘Hefty Bag’, or ‘baggie’.

If you’ve ever kept sand paper and/or Emory boards in your back pocket.

If you’ve ever gotten a speeding ticket on hwy 169 south.

If you cringe hearing any of the following names, Les Steckel, Christian Ponder, Blair Walsh or Troy Williamson.

If you cover your eyes EVERY time the Vikings line up for a field goal. (Thanks TSCF)

If your blood pressure spikes as the clock ticks down on ANY vikings draft pick. (Thanks TSCF)

If you get sick to your stomach any time you hear someone say that the team is “all in”, they have the “final piece”, or “championship window” (Thanks TSCF)

Did the Vikings break your heart this year? Last year? The year before? Are you gonna watch them next year even though its highly likely that they’re gonna kick you in the crotch again?

When you hear “Love boat” does Fred Smoot pop in your head instead of Captain Stubing/Gavin MacLeod?

Finally, if you have EVER thought “Here we go again” while watching a Minnesota Sporting event, there is a high likelihood that you are a WHEN-ESOTAN.

And if you are. Welcome. You are NOT alone.